Why NOT to go to Church on Easter

In the spririt of love, joy, hospitality and kindness ("giving, sharing, receiving and having"- Anyone get that?), I thought I'd offer a warm and fuzzy Top Ten Tuesday list for you.  If you attend church most of the time, you notice there is quite a difference on Easter; it's kind of like shopping on Christmas Eve.
Sane people just shouldn't do it.
Here's why:

Top Ten Reasons You Should NOT Go to Church on Easter Sunday

10. By the time you arrive, your kids (and their hair) are hyped up on sugar.


9. There are orange clad members of the infamous "Parking Lot Ministry" directing you as far away as possible from the closest entrance to the church.

8. You have to get all kinds of dressed up.


7. Then children are made to pretend they are happy about embroidered and smocked things even though they are BOYS (as certain male members of our family keep reminding certain female members of our family).


6. There is no way to get a picture of your cute, dressed up children looking at you at the same time.

5. It's guaranteed that somebody else has your normal seats.

4. You know there's going to be an alter call. And if somebody doesn't come down, there are 6 verses of "Up from the Grave He Arose" with your name written all over them.

3. Everybody and their mama is there, but you hardly get to speak to anyone because everybody AND THEIR MAMA is squashed in there like sardines.
Holy Sardines.

2. THIS is the Sunday your kids decide to sit on the floor and eat Goldfish OFF THE FLOOR. (Yes, I did take a picture in church- no flash, people. You notice we are in chairs? See #5.)


1. It's harder to get dressed up kids to smile for a family photo than it is to prevent them from running out into a major intersection for said photo.


Even though they've been rehearsing this genuine and natural look all day long.


I think it's safe to say we should stay away next Easter. But I'm afraid I'd miss out on some quality photos, so I guess we'll just rock with the flock again next year.

Be sure to visit some other Top Ten Tuesday lists that are not nearly as irreverent at Oh Amanda's Top Ten Tuesday.

P. S. Jesus knows I'm just joking and so should you.

How was your Easter? (Ours was really fantastic, but that would make Jane a dull writer, wouldn't it?)
 

Ten Levels of Becoming a Karate Coupon Master {Part 1}

Much like the Art of Karate {please tell me you can hear Ross from Friends saying this with the accent on the end}, there are many levels to the art of couponing.

After I took a class recently, you let me know that you’d be interested in hearing about it, so I’m here to serve! The biggest thing I can emphasize to you is that you can do as much or as little as you’d like to do. Not everyone will have the time, energy or gusto {oh how I love “gusto”} to be a master coupon user. Anything will help, but the overall knowledge of what options are out there will hopefully inspire and encourage you to move on to the next level.

You cannot start out as Mr. Miyagi. You have to do a lot of waxing and painting first. So let’s start with the basics, Daniel-son.

1. White Belt- You realize that there are coupons available and you use a $2 coupon on a razor. This makes you immensely happy and you buy yourself some other treat to make up for the $2 you saved.

2. Gold Belt- You decide to use more than one coupon and you are super proud of yourself. You even deny yourself the Snickers bar {that you totally deserve} at the check out counter.

3. Orange Belt- You start to realize that you can use coupons on items that are ON SALE and then you do a dance in the aisle.

4. Blue Belt- You really start to care about things you never thought about before: food planning, freezer and pantry space, sale items and coupons that go with them.

5. Green Belt – You read the newspaper or websites to find out what is on sale for the week ahead and plan your shopping and family meals accordingly.

6. Purple Belt- You print and use online coupons. You abandon all pride and talk to your local grocery store manager about their coupon policies. {“Is it possible that I could use competitor coupons, a doubled manufacturer coupon and a store coupon on one item? Puh-leeease?”}

7. Brown Belt- You buy more than one newspaper and subscribe to store publications or magazines that you know have good coupons in them.

8. Black Belt - You stock up on sale items and only buy what is on sale AND what has a coupon.

9. Grand Champion- You navigate 2-3 stores with ease and only shop their sale items with coupons availble.

10. Mr. Miyagi- You have reached a level of zen that allows you to have a couponing “system”, a binder or storage box for your coupons and the people at the grocery store hate to see you coming. You have achieved a level on “one-ness” with your couponing and you have a certain level of satisfaction that only few have managed to attain. You spend less per week on your groceries than you would on a haircut.

In part 2 of this post {planned for Thursday}, I’ll let you know where I am on the chart and some tips that have helped me that you can use!

So, where are you on the Belt Chart of Couponing?

I love posting to my friend Amanda’s Top Ten Tuesday at Oh Amanda. She was recently chosen to go on a blogging trip with World Vision to the Dominican Republic in May and I am THRILLED for her and the rest of the group going! Please join me in praying for them and their journey. I know it will be amazing!

In which the word "Douche" appears on my blog

I am here to tell you I am lyrically challenged.

It all started with MJ back in good ole days. I had the Thriller album {YES- vinyl} and played that thing till it melted- or was warped. Who remembers what those big old Frisbees-lookin’ things did anyway?

Back to Michael, when he sang Billie Jean, we moon walked across our brown shag carpet and sang, “Billie Jean has got my glove, UHH”.

There was no mention of a “lover” in our version and I’m pretty sure my parents were happy that way! It wasn’t until college that I knew the real words.

I also thought a Chest of Drawers was called “Chester Drawers” until my college roommate told me otherwise, but I’d never reveal my redneckness to the whole wide world, so let’s keep that under wraps, okay?

I love these song mix ups, so for Amanda’s Top Ten Tuesday, I’m playing along with the Top 10 Songs whose lyrics I have mistakenly identified or have just made fun of because they sounded funny.

1. Billie Jean/ Michael Jackson
- See above. She’s "got my glove, UHH”

2. Beast of Burden/ Rolling Stones
- “I’ll never leave your pizza burning” {pronounced “peeetza”, obviously}

3. Hotel California/ The Eagles
- “On a dark desert highway, cool whip in my hair” {especially fun to sing on road trips}

4. Purple Haze/ Jimi Hendrix
- “Excuse me while I kiss this guy” {No explanation needed here. I would definitely kiss this little guy:}


5. Blinded by the Light/ Mannfred Mann’s Earth Band {of course I had to look that up}
- Do I even need to write this? You know there is a “douche” in this song and it makes me kinda cringe, but it has to go on this list. What in the world were those stupid words?

6. Secret Agent Man/ Johnny Rivers
- “Secret Asian Man” {especially fun at Chinese restaurant, but probably in poor taste}

7. Bad Moon Rising/ CCR
- “There’s a bathroom on the right” {always fun at a frat party and usually correct!}

8. Night Moves/ Bob Seger
- “Workin’ on a knife wound” {I guess I got this and the Night Shift – an ER night shift- song confused.}

9. Bennie and the Jetts/ Elton John
- “she’s got electric boobs, a mohair suit, you know I read it in a maga-zeeee—haaane” {Clearly this is true since he read it in a magazine.}

10. Tiny Dancer/ Elton John
- “Hold me closer, Tony Danza” {You'd think with this being the title, one would know the words, but it's just much more fun to picture Elton and Tony, isn't it?}


Ah, yes. Have a lovely day.
You can thank me later when you are still singing about Tony Danza at dinner.

So what are your favorites from this list?
What lyric did I leave out that you always got confused/ laughed about?

And please tell me the words to that wretched feminine hygiene song if you know them... I've got to get THAT and Tony Danza out of my head.

Hopefully I can replace with some peeeeetza and cool whip in my hair.