Sunday, January 25, 2009

The post you've been waiting for. Part 1

If you are a minor- or the parent of one who is standing over your shoulder- you might want to read with caution.If this was the Oprah show, the man with "the" voice would say, "Today's Oprah Show features adult content. Parental discretion is advised".

Y'all. I'm so sorry this has taken a while to get together. When you find out what all was involved with my weekend, then you'll understand.

Friday I shipped the kids off to spend the night with my wonderful in-laws. That's so we could go head up to church and school a bunch of middle schoolers on sex. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please read the beginning of this saga.

Friday night started with dinner, then a quiz to the kids in our group about what they think is sexy. {I should mention here that as we were walking towards our small group room, Jason turned to me and said, "I don't feel too great... I think I'm going to go home". He thinks he is pretty funny. I just looked at him with that look.} We passed around a picture of a baseball player and asked them if they thought they liked that person. Then we passed around a picture of a woman standing in a field and asked if they thought she was a Christian. To both of these, they all stared at the pictures blankly and said either "yes" or "no" kind of questioning the stupidity of the question. Then we passed a picture of a bikini-clad woman and asked if that was sexy. The boys immediately answered "yes" and the girls, of course, answered "no", but all of the kids did not want to touch the picture for more than 1.8 seconds. It was apparently red hot with sin and they were sitting in church, thank you very much. So, that lead to our discussion of what is "sexy". We talked a lot about media and what they are constantly surrounded with that tells them what it is to be sexy. They were much more aware of that than I thought they would be, so that was a good start. That lead into "sexy" being about your whole personality, etc, and more than just showing skin.

Next we headed to the main room to watch a video called "Why Teens Need to Know About Sex". Robin, our director, let us know before that this video was from the 80s. What she didn't let us know was that it would be a totally awesome flashback of middle school for US! It had pictures of Madonna (coned), a sober Paula Abdul, Nelson- both of them {oh, that hair!!}, and Meredith Baxter Bernie. It was a nice stroll down memory lane. I think Zak Morris's cell phone was pictured, but I can't be positive. Oh, and it talked about sex, too, and why teens should be educated, etc.

Then we trotted back down the hall to our small group to learn the parts of the female and male anatomy. The first page of the sheet they were supposed to label showed- what I will politely call- a gynecologist's view point of the female anatomy. Then it showed the female in cross section form. Then the next page had a male anatomy picture- complete with hair in the right places- and then a cross section. Here's the kicker- WE DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWERS- just a completely different drawing and we had to decipher what was what. I think the kids got a kick out of us staring at the pictures, then turning them upside down- then yes, finally deciding that that was the "outer labia". If I had a nickel for every time I've said, "OK. The fourth blank down is the clitoris", we'll... I'd just have a nickel, but that's pretty much how that segment went. The kids were hilarious with the material and then started to come up with their own names. To them, the ovary looked much like a strawberry in this drawing, so that's what it became. And the cross section of the female looked a lot like a flamingo and the cross section of the male looked a lot like a golf club. {That last one is probably not a stretch for you to visualize without looking at the drawing.} The real point of this is to not only have them learn the correct terminology, but to use it. As parents, we don't shorten other names of our bodies- like call our ears something other than ears or our elbows our "el-el", so when we call the penis the "pee-pee" and make up names for other parts, then we are showing them that there is something to be ashamed of or hide about those parts. From now on, there will be penises in our house and not pee-pees! This is going to be difficult for the polite, Suuuuuthern part of me, but I think it's necessary.
With all our their new knowledge of things like the epididymus and the fallopian tubes, we marched back down the hall, ready to take on the other teams in a feisty game of pictionary. There was another church that also had 2 groups of kids there and I found myself giving our team pep talks like this, "Do you think those chumps can come over here on our home turf and take us? NO! Let's go kick their anus!!". Even with that pep talk, the visitors won by one point. Dang it. But they did have a fun time yelling "Seminal glands!" (my favorite mis-quote of the night was seminary glands) "Prostate!", "Cervix!" and "Uterus!" all together. By that time we were all about over the goofiness of the terminology. We went back to the room and it was time to answer the questions from the question box.
Earlier the kids had written down questions anonymously, we had taken them to a big room with all the other adults and discussed the correct answers. So it was time to discuss the answers with the kids.
Our first question was, "If you have sex before you are married, will you go to Hell?". Hello. Thanks for that opener. We answered by talking about sin and how you want to steer clear from all types of sin, but that God loves you and forgives you and will always do that if you repent and turn away from your sin. Amen. Hallelujah.
Over the weekend we had 4 rounds of the question box and they questions ranged from "What is a blow job?" to "What's for lunch?" and pretty much everywhere in between.

Friday night ended with the kids going home with their parents. I thought they might have spent the night at the church, but someone thought that keeping 50 hormonal middle schoolers together in an empty church after revving them up with sex talk all night might not be a good idea. Good thinking. So, off we all went to get some rest for the night. It was going to be a long day on Saturday. Lots more talk about masturbation, homosexuals, abortion and STDs was to come.
I can't wait to fill you in on the rest of it tomorrow! I'm sure you can't wait!
If you think this is awkward to read, just imagine when we explained it all to their parents on Saturday night!


Kim S said...

Hillary, let me just say i have prayed for you ALL! And this helps me make a decision about using this material at our church (i'll never tell you what that decision is, of course!). this is really just good training for when y'all do the various level of sex talks with your darling boys. there will be more than one - trust me on this. you're a hoot! take some benedryl and try to sleep this off, will you?! xox

becky said...

this is awesome. but i am dying to know (and you can tell me tomorrow night...) did you answer every question...including the one about the blow job? if so, you are now my hero. plain and simple. but i'll go on record as saying that in our house it's a teeter and a cha-cha. and my kids have been talking all about teeters, hineys, boobies and shu-shu lately and it is driving me crazy. i'm kinda glad i'm not hearing penis every meal.

Hadley said...

oh my goodness. that is a funny re-cap! Bless you for doing that. It's so important, and so many kids learn so much from the wrong places, it's great to have adults give them the Christian view of sex. Thanks for sharing the experience with us!

Vanessa said...

I just found your blog a couple of days ago, and was reading this tonight. I remember my first experience with "the talk" at a youth retreat. I had the girls for a Q & A time. One girl asked "If you have sex can you become a virgin again?" One of the older girls, about 16 yo, said "Yes, if you don't have sex again for seven years." I'd never heard that before and had to hid my amusement while I answered correctly! The misconceptions kids have are amazing.

Love your blog, and have added it to my Google Reader.

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