Monday, February 23, 2009

Our Man- Designed Home

I realized today, for the nth time, that a man designed our home. We have major rooms without ceiling lights (we have added them), crazy tile on the floors (there is no way to describe it- we have covered it up) and color coordinated bathrooms- including the toilets, sinks,floor and wall tile.

Our house was built in 1971, so that probably explains the pink, blue and yellow toilets (I HATE that we missed out on avocado green), but it also explains that the design field was probably dominated by men.

Here is my replication of our floor plan - or at least the path from the car to the refrigerator (egg-zakly to scale):

If you can't quite make it all out, on the far left there, you have a "Big, honkin' SUV full of groceries". Now, since we are all being guilted into being environmentally friendly, the groceries are in cloth sacks that weigh about 30 pounds each because you can fit so much in them. {Please note that my guilt does not extend to driving anything that would crunch like a potato chip in an accident- or smell like one driving down the street.}
You then pass through the 2-car garage that has never held one of our cars. This isn't because it can't be cleaned, but it has the bedrooms on top of it and apparently has to have these major poles in the middle of the garage to hold them up. And I guess cars used to be smaller than the afore-mentioned big honkin' SUV.
You got it.
We have a 2 car garage that NEITHER of our cars can FIT in.
Then you walk up 9 stairs, though the foyer, though the living room (aka train station), then into the kitchen (aka train depot).
What's the difference in a train station and depot? From what I can tell, the trains are loudest wherever you happen to be standing. That's all.
Now, you made it to the refrigerator to unload groceries! Congratulations! Now turn around and do that 5 more times! Who needs the gym?
And, do you notice where my laundry "nook" is? Right beside the kitchen so the little woman can get all her chores done at once. {And did you recall that our bedrooms/ clothes changing areas are waaaaay over on the other side upstairs?}
The laundry closet area also clogs up the only passage to the guest bathroom from the stacks of clothes that accumulate there. Luckily, our 3 year old has learned to do the pee-pee dance and hop over piles of clothes while trying to make it to the bathroom. He's got mad skillz. He gives our guests a tutorial when they arrive.
You can see the testosterone that built this home, can't you? I am super thankful to have it, but there are probably a few dozen things I would change about it.
I think if the man designer would have brought in a sack of groceries with 2 gallons of milk in it, then he might have come up with a new floor plan. Or else he would have run into one of the poles in the garage while not looking. I think I would have rather seen the latter.


Donna said...

My house has this same, exact RIDICULOUS floor plan! It takes forever to unload the groceries and now I unload two fat babies b/c the "big" baby likes to be carried up the stairs just like the newborn. :) You are absolutely right- a man who doesn't grocery shop came up with this idea. A man who doesn't stay home with children also thought up neighboorhoods with dangerously slopey driveways and no sidewalks.

~k said...


Kim S said...


Kellie said...

YOu are hilarious - our garage is right UNDER our kitchen, so by the time I go up 20 steps and through my foyer and den, up 2 more steps to the kitchen, I'm pooped. ANd get this - my laundry is in my garage - and our bedrooms are upstairs - that's all the exercise I need (not really, but I feel that way sometimes)

Lori said...

Great post! I loved your picture - too funny! ;)

Lindsey said...

hilarious! made my day. i don't have quite that floor plan but still totally understand the issues. thanks for making me laugh, yet again.

Hollie and Janie said...

I can not even imagine! Is it a hard choice to decide if you should get your kids our first or the frozen goods?? :)

Anonymous said...

sounds like you need my help... Jen H

Martia said...

This post is quiet entertaining; I love the drawing best. I've enjoyed your tips for thrift shopping, too. Thanks for your comment on my grammar post. I probably start way too many sentences with "and," but it's a perfectly acceptable practice these days.

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