A few pointers to myself in 1988

Dear 1988 self,
Here are a few quick pointers, so get out your Hello Kitty pad and pencil.

1. Do not stick your rear end out for any picture, any time. Even if you are holding a bat, this is bad form.

2. Never wear white on the bottom. We are pear shaped. You don't know what that is now, but just start investing in black pants and dark denim.

3. Quit letting your mother determine your hair style. The bowl will only work for so long. I realize that Mary Lou Retton brought in the bowl in 1984, but it is gone. So gone. This look works for no one except for pre-teen boys in the 2000s who flip it all the way around their head and will most likely have neck injuries from all their flippage.

4. We will not be flying in cars in the 2000s, so don't believe Back to the Future.

5. Kirk Cameron IS actually a good guy in real life. It's okay to have a crush on him as Mike Seaver in Growing Pains. Just know that you will never in a million years end up with him-or even meet him. Or Zak Morris. Or the guy from Silver Spoons. You WILL meet Bob Saget from Full House. But don't hold your breath.

Have a lovely softball game and try not to act like a goober, please. If we start trying now, maybe we'll work up to "graceful" in our 30s.

Or maybe not.